Friday, September 11, 2009

Heading to Harlem

The Contender- Alfred
Briar Rose- Rebecca
Setting- An early morning in the park that Alfred usually jogs at in Harlem,
Massachusetts.


It was a usual morning at the park in Harlem, Massachusetts for boxer Alfred Brooks. He was doing his morning jog, passing by officers and other joggers, too. He was starting to get restless, so he stopped to sit down on a bench next to a young, red-headed woman. He smiled at her and then took a few sips out of his water bottle. He was about to get up when he heard the woman start to cry.
“Are you alright, ma’am?” asked Alfred.
“It’s just… Oh never mind. You don’t want to hear about my problems, go ahead and just get back to your run. I’m fine,” she said. Alfred could instantly tell that she wasn’t fine when she started to cry even harder.
“No, I can tell that you aren’t fine, and I can listen. I’m Alfred.”
“Oh, well that’s very thoughtful, Alfred. And I’m Rebecca. But I don’t know how I feel about blabbing out my problems to some total stranger. No offense.” But Alfred wasn’t buying it. He could tell that she needed to talk to someone sooner or later. Why not him?
“I understand, Rebecca, but-“
“You can call me Becca.”
“Okay, Becca. I can see that you don’t trust me, but please, I really don’t want to just walk away with you feeling this upset. You don’t have to tell me anything that you’re going to regret later,” said Alfred.
“Okay fine. Well, you see, I live in Holyoke. And I came here to make an attempt to find out who my Gemma really was,” explained Becca. “My family didn’t know much about her, even her name we weren’t sure of. And she recently passed away. But before she did, she said something to me about the story Briar Rose, you know, Sleeping Beauty. We always used to listen to it as kids, my sisters and I. I have it memorized for crying out loud! So she told me that she was the Princess, and she wanted me to find the castle and the Prince and the Maker of the Spells. She made me promise. She even made me swear on her grave. I don’t know if she was going crazy, or if she had high blood sugar or something, and I just, I don’t know what to do! I have been at this for a month now, and I have nothing! All I have is this wooden box. But I have gone through the contents over and over and I still have found nothing!” Becca started sobbing loudly again. Alfred made an attempt to calm her down by patting her hands that were folded neatly in her lap.
“It’s alright, Becca. Don’t cry, its okay,” Soothed Alfred.
“No, it’s not alright! I promised Gemma! I can’t let her down!”
“Well, then don’t. Don’t let her down. You can still do this Becca, but it’s not going to be easy. I can tell already that you’re about to give up. But I have been through something like this before. I still am going through it. You see, I’m in training to be a boxer. I am sacrificing lots of my time, and I’m probably not even going to be good. So I am training to be a contender, the guy coming up. And I am working SO hard, just to be a contender. You should too.”
“I should be a contender?” questioned Becca, now tear-free.
“Yeah. You are going to want to quit everyday because of how much work it is to reach that goal. So you are going through that phase now, I can tell. But keep working, and you can reach that goal. Just remember what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.” Alfred was obviously very proud of his pep talk, probably because it was very similar to the one that Mr. Donatelli gave to him that night he went to the gym for the first time.
“You’re absolutely right. And I’m not going to give up. I can assure you that I won’t.”
“Good. Oh, and I hope you find what you’re looking for Becca. It was nice meeting you, but I have to get back to my jog,” Alfred said as he was getting up from the bench.
“Oh, and Alfred, one more thing,” called Becca.
“Yeah?” She got up off the bench and hugged him.
“Thanks.” Alfred’s simple reply was a smile, then he turned around and continued his jog through the park.

1 comment:

  1. I really liked your story. It was very descriptive of the setting and gave the reader a little insight into the character's lives and personalities. I like the speech that Alfred gave Becca. It explained that they weren't so different, and that she should keep trying. I think that could be the theme for your story. It was very well planned out and interesting, good job.

    I believe that the conversations between the two characters was alright. Although it seemed a little on the unrealistic side, they were really well thought out. I liked how the two strangers could help one another with their problems, just by talking to them a little. It was nice and somewhat inspirational to read. I felt that overall thy were really well done.

    My favorite part of this story was when Becca said, “You’re absolutely right. And I’m not going to give up. I can assure you that I won’t.” This quote shows that Becca really took what Alfred said to her heart, and hat she was grateful she had gotten the pep talk. This quote also shows how Alfred's overcoming of his struggled inspired the girl he just met who was going through a similar struggle.

    I really didn't see any mistakes. Although the story seemed somewhat unreal. This is because Becca explained her problems to a random stranger in a new place. Also her problem seemed somewhat crazy, but she didn't seemed to mind at all. Thats all I really saw.

    A suggestion I have for you is that the conversation and interactions of the characters all seemed kind of, strange. This is because, Becca explains her problems to a random stranger, while sobbing uncontrollably in the middle of a park. But then she gets a pep-talk, and is suddenly motivated to try her best again. Its a good idea, but it would be nice if it all flowed easier and was more believable. I still believe that it was a very good and interesting story.

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